They Lived Happily Ever After
Filed under Expert Advice, Sex Romance RelationshipsDivorce-proofing your marriage
Pssst, What About Men?
In general, women tend to drive a couple’s decision to attend premarital counseling. “Women are more intuitive than men in sensing the need to discuss and prepare for marriage,” says Patrick Gannon. “Many men approach marriage without a lot of thought about what it takes to keep a relationship going.”
But lest anybody start imagining scenes where women harangue their stubborn mates and drag them off to workshops, Gannon says the truth of the matter is a pleasant surprise. “Engaged men are the most receptive of all to premarital counseling because they feel so close to their fiancées. This is the time when they especially want to please their partner and will go along with the idea.”
Still, he points out that many men are initially reluctant because they don’t see the need for or value of premarital counseling. “And they worry that it’s going to be a touchy-feely experience.” Gannon says counseling is nothing like that. “Our approach is a lot more fun and entertaining. Michelle and I talk about and demonstrate our own relationship to illustrate the dynamics between a man and a woman.” By making themselves the examples, and not directing the spotlight onto anyone else, Gannon says they’re able to get men to relax. “Once they see that what we’re doing makes sense and that we offer many practical ideas, the guys loosen up and enjoy it. They identify with me.”
Finding the Right Counselor
The hardest part of premarital counseling is deciding to get it. The second hardest part is finding a compatible counselor. Landrum advises looking for a professional who not only has training in communication skills and conflict resolution, but who can articulate a plan of action for you. She also cautions that counselors who focus on “why” questions, such as, “Why do you think you do this or that?” are not as helpful as ones who focus on “how.”
Landrum also warns against counselors who take sides or who offer only one solution to a problem. She recalls dealing with a couple that had been sleeping in separate bedrooms for 18 months. At issue was the wife’s emotional affair with a man at her workplace, which hadn’t yet crossed over into a physical relationship. “The counselor they had been seeing said that the affair was okay, and she advised the couple that divorce was not a shameful option. I wouldn’t necessarily disagree with that, but the problem was that divorce was the only option the counselor proposed. The husband was hanging in there by his fingertips, getting no help at all, and dreading every session with this counselor.”
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