Wedding Thank-You Notes: A Small Thing That’s a Big Deal
Posted by Jan on Apr 07, 2008. Filed under Expert Advice, Invitations
Comments (32), Permalink
I rarely go to weddings (maybe it’s because most of my social circle is either already married or never going to be), but a year ago a friend invited me to one.
As my friend’s date I wasn’t obligated to bring a gift, but I’d I’d been told the bride and groom liked to cook, so I got them a few of my favorite kitchen gadgets from Sur La Table as a wedding present. I put my present on a table with dozens of other gifts, and hoped that it wouldn’t get lost in the pile.
I was fairly certain that soon after the wedding I would receive a thank-you note for my modest-but-thoughtful-and-super-practical gift. Alas, the postman never brought one. Months passed, and I wondered…Did the couple not like my gift? Had it disappeared? Been regifted? Eventually I just forgot about it altogether.
Until yesterday, that is. I flipped through my mail and was surprised to see the long-awaited thank-you note. Oh it was beautiful, all right—handwritten, very personal. But I have to say I had mixed emotions: Sure, it was great to know that my gift had been received and, in fact, “loved.” But I couldn’t help feeling that I shouldn’t have had to wait an entire year to learn that my present hadn’t been disliked, lost or regifted after all.
Moral of the story: Honor your guests—don’t wait a year to send out your thank-you notes!
Actually, Emily Post states that thank-you notes should be written within 3 months of the receipt of the gift. For more on wedding thank-you notes click here.
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Comments
Hi Gwen,
I think a casual inquiry would be appropriate, as in, “By the way, are you and Dave able to figure out the pasta maker we got?” As long as it is done in a way that doesn’t “vibe” the bride (for being too lazy to get her thank-you’s done in a timely manner!) No one likes to be judged. On that same note, if she says, “You know we decided to exchange it for a bread machine. We’d just use it more.” Then let her know you’re just happy she’s happy and move on.
Our first year wedding anniversary is coming up next month and from day one we have always had the intention of sending one year thank you cards to all our guests, we viewed it as an update on how married life has been going and to aknowledge everyone who has made this year so great.
I recently got pricing from copiers and majority of them commented how unusual it is to do wedding thank yous at all in this day and age. ??
I think all of you just sound a bit immature and this is why.. You don’t take in consideration that people may be short on cash.. For instance… I just had a baby shower (not sure if your silly rules are the same on this or not) and I do intend to send out thank you notes just to show appreciation, BUT we are so short on cash that I had to save money up just to afford the number of cards I needed and now I still cant send them out for awhile b/c I honestly cant afford stamps.. You all seem like rich snobby people. But not everyone is rich.. Especially if someone had a large wedding where alot of people gave gifts…hey prob saved up sooo much money for the wedding that they really cant afford to do this. Do you realize how much money it takes to buy thank you notes and stamps for every single person that got a gift… Those stamps really do add up when you are poor. I’m not trying to be mean or disrespectful to anyone at all but just take that into consideration. Thanks
I think in any economy, Amanda’s point is very valid. But I also think the most important reason for the thank-you note is the sentiment behind it. If sending cards is too expensive, I’d think a call (to those who are local) to give your heartfelt thanks is all that’s needed, and in many ways would be more welcome than a card. The out-of-towners can get the thank-you notes (Hopefully there would be fewer of those, so cheaper to purchase and send out!)
Hi All,
Okay, here’s some tough love: Yes, postage has gotten ridiculously expensive. But if you have enough money to have a party or wedding and expect people to bring you gifts, you still need to MAIL your thank-you notes. Try postcards for postage discounts.
If you are having a baby or wedding shower put on by a caring friend or family member and are genuinely in financial distress, I think your friends will know that but will still appreciate the effort on your behalf. In this case, at the very least a phone call and email. But this is for those rare cases only! Not for the lazy or cheap!
If you are having a party/wedding but don’t want to spend for the postage and thank you notes, then it is only fair to specify “no gifts please”. We’re not big on “rules” at HCTG, but we do encourage thoughtfulness and courtesy to your guests. Taking without giving proper thanks is just not courteous.
I wrote my thank-you notes the day after my wedding. I took about 2 hours of our Adirondack honeymoon & filled them out. Then I could enjoy the rest of our vacation without worrying about them! They were mailed within a week of us getting back.
As to the financial challenges. There is absolutely NOTHING that says your invites & thank-yous have to match. It’s simply considered to be nice, attractive, etc.—it’s not good manners. The ‘thank you’ is the part that’s good manners. I bought really cute blank fall-themed (we had a fall wedding) cards in our colors from the dollar bin at Michael’s, and ended up getting all our thank-you cards (80) for $10. They are just as nice & sincere as any I would’ve had specially printed. Besides, the outside isn’t important, it’s the message inside that counts!
I have to share this anecdote because I think others will find it just as appalling as I do: This spring, I hosted a baby shower for a friend (well, I use the word ‘hosted’ loosely—I was actually ASKED to throw it by the expectant mama!) I bought her plenty of thank-you cards and set up a table so guests could address their own envelopes. She gave me all email addresses to do the invites, so I wasn’t sure if she had mailing addresses or not. I did pretty much everything but write the cards out, and I STILL haven’t gotten a thank you! Neither has anyone else. Frankly, I am completely disgusted by her behavior.
Is it permissible to inquire if they rec’d my gift? It has been over 3 months since the wedding.
I’m left wondering if the gift was misplaced, undelivered, or card lost?