Wedding Thank-You Notes: A Small Thing That’s a Big Deal
Posted by Jan on Apr 07, 2008. Filed under Expert Advice, Invitations, Vera Wang
Comments (68), Permalink
I rarely go to weddings (maybe it’s because most of my social circle is either already married or never going to be), but a year ago a friend invited me to one.
As my friend’s date I wasn’t obligated to bring a gift, but I’d I’d been told the bride and groom liked to cook, so I got them a few of my favorite kitchen gadgets from Sur La Table as a wedding present. I put my present on a table with dozens of other gifts, and hoped that it wouldn’t get lost in the pile.
I was fairly certain that soon after the wedding I would receive a thank-you note for my modest-but-thoughtful-and-super-practical gift. Alas, the postman never brought one. Months passed, and I wondered…Did the couple not like my gift? Had it disappeared? Been regifted? Eventually I just forgot about it altogether.
Until yesterday, that is. I flipped through my mail and was surprised to see the long-awaited thank-you note. Oh it was beautiful, all right—handwritten, very personal. But I have to say I had mixed emotions: Sure, it was great to know that my gift had been received and, in fact, “loved.” But I couldn’t help feeling that I shouldn’t have had to wait an entire year to learn that my present hadn’t been disliked, lost or regifted after all.
Actually, Emily Post states that thank-you notes should be written within 3 months of the receipt of the gift.
Moral of the story: Honor your guests—don’t wait a year to send out your thank-you notes!
To find the wedding invitation and thank-you note designers we love see Wedding Invitations.
Next entry: A Few Good Bridesmaid Dresses
The Previous entry: Marriage Prep 101
Comments
Hi Gwen,
I think a casual inquiry would be appropriate, as in, “By the way, are you and Dave able to figure out the pasta maker we got?” As long as it is done in a way that doesn’t “vibe” the bride (for being too lazy to get her thank-you’s done in a timely manner!) No one likes to be judged. On that same note, if she says, “You know we decided to exchange it for a bread machine. We’d just use it more.” Then let her know you’re just happy she’s happy and move on.
Our first year wedding anniversary is coming up next month and from day one we have always had the intention of sending one year thank you cards to all our guests, we viewed it as an update on how married life has been going and to aknowledge everyone who has made this year so great.
I recently got pricing from copiers and majority of them commented how unusual it is to do wedding thank yous at all in this day and age. ??
I think all of you just sound a bit immature and this is why.. You don’t take in consideration that people may be short on cash.. For instance… I just had a baby shower (not sure if your silly rules are the same on this or not) and I do intend to send out thank you notes just to show appreciation, BUT we are so short on cash that I had to save money up just to afford the number of cards I needed and now I still cant send them out for awhile b/c I honestly cant afford stamps.. You all seem like rich snobby people. But not everyone is rich.. Especially if someone had a large wedding where alot of people gave gifts…hey prob saved up sooo much money for the wedding that they really cant afford to do this. Do you realize how much money it takes to buy thank you notes and stamps for every single person that got a gift… Those stamps really do add up when you are poor. I’m not trying to be mean or disrespectful to anyone at all but just take that into consideration. Thanks
I think in any economy, Amanda’s point is very valid. But I also think the most important reason for the thank-you note is the sentiment behind it. If sending cards is too expensive, I’d think a call (to those who are local) to give your heartfelt thanks is all that’s needed, and in many ways would be more welcome than a card. The out-of-towners can get the thank-you notes (Hopefully there would be fewer of those, so cheaper to purchase and send out!)
Hi All,
Okay, here’s some tough love: Yes, postage has gotten ridiculously expensive. But if you have enough money to have a party or wedding and expect people to bring you gifts, you still need to MAIL your thank-you notes. Try postcards for postage discounts.
If you are having a baby or wedding shower put on by a caring friend or family member and are genuinely in financial distress, I think your friends will know that but will still appreciate the effort on your behalf. In this case, at the very least a phone call and email. But this is for those rare cases only! Not for the lazy or cheap!
If you are having a party/wedding but don’t want to spend for the postage and thank you notes, then it is only fair to specify “no gifts please”. We’re not big on “rules” at HCTG, but we do encourage thoughtfulness and courtesy to your guests. Taking without giving proper thanks is just not courteous.
I wrote my thank-you notes the day after my wedding. I took about 2 hours of our Adirondack honeymoon & filled them out. Then I could enjoy the rest of our vacation without worrying about them! They were mailed within a week of us getting back.
As to the financial challenges. There is absolutely NOTHING that says your invites & thank-yous have to match. It’s simply considered to be nice, attractive, etc.—it’s not good manners. The ‘thank you’ is the part that’s good manners. I bought really cute blank fall-themed (we had a fall wedding) cards in our colors from the dollar bin at Michael’s, and ended up getting all our thank-you cards (80) for $10. They are just as nice & sincere as any I would’ve had specially printed. Besides, the outside isn’t important, it’s the message inside that counts!
I have to share this anecdote because I think others will find it just as appalling as I do: This spring, I hosted a baby shower for a friend (well, I use the word ‘hosted’ loosely—I was actually ASKED to throw it by the expectant mama!) I bought her plenty of thank-you cards and set up a table so guests could address their own envelopes. She gave me all email addresses to do the invites, so I wasn’t sure if she had mailing addresses or not. I did pretty much everything but write the cards out, and I STILL haven’t gotten a thank you! Neither has anyone else. Frankly, I am completely disgusted by her behavior.
I just got married with in this month and have felt terrible that I haven’t had time to write the thank you notes. After the wedding I had a few days to pack and clean the house and then we went on our honeymoon, which I was ill on. Then we got back and i’ve just been lazy and finding other things to do.
But anyways today I shall begin writing those thankyou’s; however, what I will say is that everyone is different and while some women may sit down the next day and begin writing thankyous some may need to wait until they feel ready to do it this could be in a year… I do believe that a couple should probably try to get them out within 3-4 months at the most probably much sooner; however, in the end a thank you is a thankyou. You should also take in to consideration like someone said that most houses have both individuals working, they may have to move intogether and moving is a huge duty, they may have children to care for, and maybe even attending school so infact that newly wed couple does have a life outswide of writing thankyous. I’d say take it as a lesson learned if that is the way that you felt know that when it is your turn to write thankyous that you will have them out ASAP.
I think if you had the time before wedding to do a registery, go to grown fittings, see DJ"s, do seating charts, etc. Why now do you not have the time to send a Thank You note? I guess if you ask your family or friends to help you in the future and you haven’t sent them a thank you note, don’t be upset if they choose not to help you. I guess that they feel why should they you are not going to thank them. p.s. the older people NEVER heard of the up to a year to send thank you note out….sure hope they are around to ge them.
People need to be more open minded, not generalize, and realize everyone’s situation is different and everyone’s timing is different. Words like disgusting, calling people low class, and telling them they lack decency, in a situation that’s going to vary for EVERYONE is DISGUSTING, LOW CLASS, and LACKS DECENCY. I happen to personally agree that thank you’s are a great idea, but saying that you should send them because people spend ‘hard earned money’ on their gift is not a good reason. Because if that’s the reason, then it also needs to be taken into consideration that the bride and groom have spent TONS MORE money FEEDING you, buying YOU a gift (favor), AND then are expected to spend MORE money on a thank you. The bride and groom shouldn’t invite you expecting a gift (it should be because they want to share the moment with you)... you shouldn’t be giving a gift expecting a thank you (it should be because you want to show your love and help them start their life)... and the thank you should be sent in appreciation of your loving us enough to spend the day with us (but not sending it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it, since I showed you I appreciated your presence with a gift also - the favor).
Well said Mario.
I didn’t send thank you notes to my guests. I hope they enjoyed the food, DJ, band, ect that cost a ridiculous amount of money. Weddings are horrible anyway. Just a bunch of stress, fighting in-laws, over spending and anxiety. Thank God it’s over! I can’t even look at thank you cards without getting stressed. No one is happy no matter what you do so who cares. You can’t please everyone. The In-laws should send thank yous since they force half the guests on the couples anyway. Most weddings are about the in-laws and have nothing to do with the couple. It’s pathetic. I’m sure most of you will not like my comment but so what.
Additionally, the in-laws showboat around while others talk behind your back and make snickering remarks about the wedding. Then, the next bride tries to out do the last bride’s wedding. It is just a cycle of nonsense to justify one’s status. The smartest couples are the ones that have small, intimate weddings with people who really care about them. No wonder the divorce rate in the states are so high. Just look at the way a couple has to start out. The best part is the honeymoon so you can get as far away as possible from all the craziness. Many may not say it out loud, but you know I’m right.
What is proper etiquette for sending out thank you’s if you broke your thumb at the reception?.....My right thumb at that!! We were married a May 1st…...it has been almost 3 weeks…...I have managed to get 3 written so far!!.....I know it’s awful….But, regardless of the pain when I try to write…...I must get these thank you cards out….any advice?? btw…..what is the usual amount of time you have??
I am one of the bad brides that did not send my thank-you’s in a timely fashion. I sent about 1/2 of them about 3 months after the wedding, and now I am working on the other half almost a year after the wedding. Yes, I loved all of my gifts, and yes I am very thankful, and yes, my guests deserved to know that right away and I’m sorry.
Everyone’s story is different, and life isn’t always so easy. I wish it were. After our wedding we had to move, in the move the wedding stuff was packed and much to my dismay, this included the gift lists and thank you’s. I have a 9 year old that has activities, I started a new job that was hard for me to learn and very stressful. I worked two jobs for about 4 months. Yes, I had some time off and usually, yes, I felt sorry for myself and wanted some R&R. So many reasons (excuses). But I’m still sending the late thank you’s out. I hope that they will be received in a nicer tone than so much of what I just read.
Hi All,
I have read many of the comments. I was also married recently (February 21, 2010). We are just finishing our Thank you cards. Last to be sent June 1st. This is a little past 90 days after our wedding. I think a couple should send cards no later than 3 months after the wedding. With that said, I do believe couples should have at least the 3 months if necessary. My husband and I were balancing a LOT - including:
1. A honeymoon.
2. His school schedule
3. Demands of our jobs.
4. Moving in together.
5. Moving to a new home.
6. Doctor’s appointments (or other things).
We planned our own wedding and we were exhausted!!! So, I think a couple should have up to three months to send out the Thank you’s.
I do agree that a year is too long. I even think 6 months is too long.
Three months was fun for us because we also crafted a newsletter as our “thank you” and included pictures and comments from the wedding. So, our guest were given an opportunity to recall their favorite moments of what turned out to be a phenomenal event! The newsletters are fun and we included information about how we’ve enjoyed marriage since our wedding day.
Just my two cents. Hope it’s helpful.
For gifts received prior to the wedding, must we send a thank you card right away? Or can we wait until after the wedding?
We were planning on including photos of the wedding/reception in the thank you cards. But we are two months away from the wedding and starting to receive gifts.
The plan is to have them all out within 3-4 weeks after.
I worked full time after our wedding and I had all of my thank you notes sent out within a month. I did by myself, no help from the husband! It shows respect for your guests, which might have spent a lot of dough coming to your wedding, not to mention gifts. Make it a priority.
Wow, this started out as an interesting forum, but the more I read, the more I was kicking myself for wasting precious time reading this! (Time that should be spent on the thank yous that remain). It sounds like a lot of the people raving have a major chip on their shoulder or too much time on their hands.
I agree that it is selfish not to send out a thoughtful thank you note. However, I agree that the harsh, judgemental attitudes of some people on this forum is far worse. I have been judgemental plenty of times, but usually, I find myself in that person’s situation later and think to myself, “Oh . . . now I see how difficult my expectations would have been for that person in this situation” . . .
There is nothing more disappointing than receiving a generic photo thank you card or one that is 9 months after the wedding. I spent $1,200 on one of my best friends’ weddings - to wait 9 months for a generic photo card that wasn’t even signed!! It ended up causing alot of drama between the wedding party because everyone felt the married couple was ungrateful! I guess some people aren’t raised with manners or proper etiquette!
Thanks for the article.
And some of the replies were a good laugh.
Any wedding present requires a thank you card, period. I think bridal shower gifts need them too.
No one and I repeat no one is exempt from that, no matter how busy you think you are or how old fashion the idea of sending thank you cards may seem to you.
I’ve had my fill of couples who don’t send thank yous for whatever reason they can come up with. There is no acceptable reason.
Sorry Mario, but I can’t agree with your reasoning at all.
Yes, it’s true that a bride and groom spend a lot of money, probably too much on a wedding, but that’s their choice to spend that much money, not the guests. They invite family and friends to share and enjoy their special day with food, wedding favors… etc… but no one forced them to pick the really expensive plates or go overboard with the wedding favors.
I’ve been to a wedding where the bride and groom overspent massively. Not a single thank you card was mailed, the excuse being they had no money after. So who’s fault was that?
Guests share that special day and give a present because they are expected too also. I don’t know about your family and friends, but no one I know would dare show up to a wedding without a gift.
A thank you card sent within 3 to 4 months is appreciated more than you think.
What Mario is saying makes sense. The bride and groom aren’t eating all the food themselves - they are paying for the guests to eat. Yes, the guest has given a gift, but at that point, both parties have now spent money - aren’t they ‘even’ so to say? They spent money for you to eat, you give a gift, they ALSO give you a thank you gift at the wedding (some people give favors - I guess this depends on the planning), they go around to each table (sometimes) and say thank you at each table, then they send a thank you card—then shouldn’t you send them a thank you card for their thank you card? LOL. I mean how much more could they say thank you?? Do people really think a thank you card determines how grateful the couple is for the gift??
Just a question:
Why isn’t the gift the couple gives at the wedding considered a thank you in lieu of a card? Isn’t that supposed to be a thank you for coming and we appreciate your gift and time?
Hi all - I googled how much time is okay to elapsse before sending a thank you note. My husband and I were marreid 9 months ago and have been trying ever since then to complete over 300 thank you notes. I already felt like a terrible person before reading all of this, and now I feel like I should jump off a building or something. We have sent a majority of them along the way…doing a few here and a few there when we could, but I am very embarassed about the ones that have not been sent.
I am not trying to make excuses but we have had more than the everage share of obstacles…
We found out 2 days after our honeymoon that the townhouse we rented we being sold by the owner and we had 3 weeks to locate, sign and move into a new apartment. Three weeks later, my car was broken into. The next month - my bank account was hacked into and drained. In October, I was put in the hospital due to a heart condition I have. In December, I had to take a leave of absence from work for 6 weeks to go take care of my dad and his measures. On Febrauary 16th, our apartment was broken into and they took over $5000 worth of electronics and jewelry. And in March, my husband’s credit card number was stolen and ussed in Las Vegas so we had to change all of our accounts over again. I feel like I have constantly been in the police dept, the bank, on the phne with insurance people, or in the hospital. Meanwhile - we both work full time and I am gone from 6:30am until about 8:00pm at night due to a high stress job. It has been the worst year of my life.
I am having a lot of anxiety and depression…can’t sleep…becasue I am so worried about what some of my guests think of me. We will finish them this weekend and I guess I was looking for some sort of relief from this site. It doesn’t fix things - but I am sorry to those who have not got a gift yet. I wish I could go back anad change the past…but I can’t. And I just know that my late grandmother is frowning down on me in heaven bc I have always been great at sending thank you notes for everything. I am extremely grateful to everyone who came to our wedding and brought us a gift. I was hoping the “within a year” saying would be true, but I guess not. I’m sure many of you think I am the worst bride ever…and I feel like it…so again - I sincerely apologize.
Is it permissible to inquire if they rec’d my gift? It has been over 3 months since the wedding.
I’m left wondering if the gift was misplaced, undelivered, or card lost?