Wedding Thank-You Notes: A Small Thing That’s a Big Deal
Posted by Jan on Apr 07, 2008. Filed under Expert Advice, Invitations, Vera Wang
Comments (66), Permalink
I rarely go to weddings (maybe it’s because most of my social circle is either already married or never going to be), but a year ago a friend invited me to one.
As my friend’s date I wasn’t obligated to bring a gift, but I’d I’d been told the bride and groom liked to cook, so I got them a few of my favorite kitchen gadgets from Sur La Table as a wedding present. I put my present on a table with dozens of other gifts, and hoped that it wouldn’t get lost in the pile.
I was fairly certain that soon after the wedding I would receive a thank-you note for my modest-but-thoughtful-and-super-practical gift. Alas, the postman never brought one. Months passed, and I wondered…Did the couple not like my gift? Had it disappeared? Been regifted? Eventually I just forgot about it altogether.
Until yesterday, that is. I flipped through my mail and was surprised to see the long-awaited thank-you note. Oh it was beautiful, all right—handwritten, very personal. But I have to say I had mixed emotions: Sure, it was great to know that my gift had been received and, in fact, “loved.” But I couldn’t help feeling that I shouldn’t have had to wait an entire year to learn that my present hadn’t been disliked, lost or regifted after all.
Moral of the story: Honor your guests—don’t wait a year to send out your thank-you notes!
Actually, Emily Post states that thank-you notes should be written within 3 months of the receipt of the gift. For more on wedding thank-you notes click here.
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Comments
A year is far too long to send out a thank you. You get a gift.. you say thank you and you do it promptly.
It is absolutely rude and self-centered to wait a year to say thank you. Everyone that attends your wedding has spent their hard earned time and money to be there for you, so taking an afternoon (with the hubby..he can address and stamp the envelopes if his writing is atrocious) to write them is the least any couple can do. I always feel fortunate to have people to thank.
You absolutely have a year to write thank yous after your wedding! Any guest who is waiting for that thank you has a lot of extra free time on their hands. And thank yous should be sent out all at once; guests will talk and wonder where theirs is. Let’s get real! Working couples with high stress jobs do not have the adequate free time to adhere to these silly rules. A thank you is a thank you is a thank you.
Julie, are you kidding? What planet do you live on? One that revolves around you? No one is so busy that they can’t write a thank you note to express their appreciation for the kindness and thoughtfulness of others. What you call “silly rules” others call decency.
I think that thank you cards are a waste of time. On the night all guests are usually given a small gift with a thank you card attached on it. Throughout the night you also thank your guests personally… how many times do you need to say thank you!!!!!!!
When you thank people at the wedding, you are thanking them for making your wedding more joyous by being there.
I guess on your wedding day you could specifically thank them in person for getting you those stemless wineglasses from your registry—that would work for me, but then I’m gen x. Don’t try that with my mother!
To Julie:
You write, “Working couples with high stress jobs do not have the adequate free time to adhere to these silly rules [about writing thank you notes & wedding etiquette]” I think that you’re the one who needs to get real! Working people with high stress jobs and lives also don’t have any obligation to spend any of their hard-earned money on a gift or waste any of their precious time attending the wedding event of an ungrateful couple. The world doesn’t owe you anything even if you’re stressed out by the demands of work and a new marriage. So, a thank you is a thank you is a thank you? Not!
To Chrisy,
Thank you cards are a waste of time? A small gift with a thank you card attached on it should suffice? Why don’t you skip the the party favors, few people would want them anyway, and get yourself some class with the money you save.
I think in general people are really split on this issue! Here’s another post on the subject, but I think most brides will agree that what this bride did is DEFINITELY a no no (right?): http://www.herecomestheguide.com/blog/detail/thank-me-for-coming-to-the-bridal-shower/
I have to wonder who some of you were raised by. I have never in my life heard of not sending out a thank you card! You send a thank you AFTER the wedding to thank the person for the gift they have given to you—generous or otherwise.
I happened upon this site because I was looking up the etiquette for thank yous. Friends of my husband got married over 3 months ago, and we have yet to receive a thank you card, which I think is disgusting. They did not go on a honeymoon, so they have had plenty of time to write them out. I got married at the end of March, while working full time and taking 2 graduate courses, and after returning from a 12 day honeymoon, got all of my thank you cards out (over 190 of them) within 2 weeks of our return—less than one month after the wedding.
Finally, I’d like to say that I think pre-printed thank you cards (similar to that of a holiday photo card you might receive of your friends or families children) are disgusting as well. Each person deserves a special, handwritten thank you note!
I just got married about 2 weeks ago, and I plan to get started on my thank you cards this weekend, and get them all sent within another week. I have a friend that got married almost three months ago, and her mother has to bribe her with a gift to get her thank you cards sent out. Can you believe that?!?! She believes that since people have a year to send the gift, she has a year to send her cards out… claims she has been reading this in all of her wedding books. Seriously, NO wedding book will tell you that you have an entire year after your wedding to send a thank you card. Julie, I think that is a little (not a little, A LOT) self centered to think that if you have a busy life you are entilied to an entire year to send out thank you cards. You can have a baby by then! People have given up their time and money to attend your wedding and give you a special gift, probably one you requested, and you can’t even take a minute and a half out of your “busy” life to thank them? Let me tell you, if I gave you a gift and it took you an entire year to thank me for it, that would be the last one you got from me! And Chrisy, a waste of time?!?! Maybe attending your wedding was a waste of time for your guests! A tiny slip of paper with “Thank You” printed on it attached to some mints is NOT a thank you! That is basically a table decoration for crying out loud! We decided to skip favors all together and donate the money we would have spent to a charity. I am fired up! I am going straight home after work today to get started on my thank you cards! My guests were important to me and I am very thankful for them and their gifts, and they deserve to know it in a timely fashion!
To Julie & Chrisy,
If you cant take the time,to write a Thank You,then you shouldnt take the time to send an invitation…Seems pretty selfish and one sided to me…
.... To Melanie,there should be more Brides out there like you…Im positive your family and friends are blessed to have someone like you in their lives…
Another thing to consider when discussing a reasonable amount of time in which to send your thank you’s, is what type of thank you’s are being sent. If you’re sending a card that you get from your photographer a couple weeks after the wedding (or run to the store and buy yourself), and all you have to do is write in the card/envelopes, then 2 - 3 months is a reasonable amount of time - but some people send things other than cards as thank you’s and need to wait for them to arrive. Although even that is not fair to say because though YOUR schedule is not THAT hectic - some peoples schedules are. My husband and I both work in the city and are generally in meetings and such until about 7:00 at night. By the time we catch the train at 7:30 and ride home for an hour, then take about an hour and a half to breathe for a few minutes, eat, and get ready for bed, it’s 10:00 at night. We go to church LITERALLY all day on one of our days off, and then the other day we’re just trying to do laundry, clean and catch a breath to start over.
However, I got married 3 months ago and that’s not the reason I haven’t sent my Thank You’s. Instead of cards, I’m having shortened videos made of my wedding video, and the booklet that would normally accompany a music cd will instead have pages of my wedding pictures and the words to a couple key songs from the wedding (that are also in the video). I haven’t received my wedding video yet, so it’s quite impossible for me to have sent out the Thank You’s; however I am sure that there are people who have NO idea what they’re talking about saying,“She’s so ungrateful, she hasn’t sent out her thank you’s yet”.
People need to be more opened minded, not generalize, and realize everyone’s situation is different and everyone’s timing is different. Words like disgusting, calling people low class, and telling them they lack decency, in a situation that’s going to vary for EVERYONE is DISGUSTING, LOW CLASS, and LACKS DECENCY. I happen to personally agree that thank you’s are a great idea, but saying that you should send them because people spend ‘hard earned money’ on their gift is not a good reason. Because if that’s the reason, then it also needs to be taken into consideration that the bride and groom have spent TONS MORE money FEEDING you, buying YOU a gift (favor), AND then are expected to spend MORE money on a thank you. The bride and groom shouldn’t invite you expecting a gift (it should be because they want to share the moment with you)... you shouldn’t be giving a gift expecting a thank you (it should be because you want to show your love and help them start their life)... and the thank you should be sent in appreciation of your loving us enough to spend the day with us (but not sending it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it, since I showed you I appreciated your presence with a gift also - the favor).
Wow Erica, you must really love yourself… sending out videos and pictures of yourself as a thank you. I bet that was pretty expensive to say the least… and you really think your third cousin wants a booklet of pictures of you? Just think of all the good you could have done with that money like Melanie (what a great idea by the way), but instead you chose to flaunt yourself and your money in front of your family and friends. Your gifts seem pretty cool, I will admit, but no substitution for a genuine thank you. You cannot consider the food and favors an exchange for a gift from a guest… the entire wedding and reception is for YOU… YOU picked the expensive dinner and photographer, YOU picked the fancy hall and decorations, and let me guess… you found the time in your busy life to pull your wedding together somehow didn’t you? If you would just take one hour out of your laundry day each week to sit down and work on some personalized thank you cards, you could get them done in no time. Instead, you decided to buy your way out of a little bit of work, and send a blanket thank you to the people who love and care for you.
Wow Monica, you sound bitter? I don’t know what the attack is about because I specifically said (and I quote) “I happen to personally agree that thank you’s are a great idea”... lol. I’m also not sure how YOU propose to know that I spent a lot of money. You are TOTALLY right though, I DO LOVE MYSELF - what’s wrong with that?? you said it like it’s a bad thing… lol - but I put so much time, money, and EFFORT into my wedding not for myself - because I still would’ve been married even if I’d just gone to the courthouse for free - I did it so my FAMILY and FRIENDS could have a WONDERFUL time and receive nice things - that is why you give gifts right? For the joy you know the person receiving it will feel (though you seem like you think it’s for a thank you and acknowledgement). How is your spending money on a meal for a guest for your wedding different than a friend taking another friend to dinner other than that you’re taking a group of friends to dinner? The point being that just because it’s for your wedding doesn’t mean you didn’t do it to make someone else happy - I certainly didn’t eat all that food - as a matter of fact, I probably didn’t take more than one bite. And you’re wrong about the Thank You’s being blanket and expensive. To reiterate the fact that this was ALLLLL for my guests, I am PERSONALLY taking the time to create each booklet for the guests with pictures not just of me, but that include pictures of the individual guest that I’m sending it to at the wedding (and who said they wouldn’t be signed??). It can’t get much more personal than that!! And believe me, it’s gonna take a lot more than an hour of laundry time. So if your argument is that it’s not personal - you’ve fallen flat on your face… And if you’re argument is that I bought my way out of doing the work - once again, flat on your face, because it’s going to take a lot more work than the cards would have… and expensive? - fallen again. Let’s be real! Of course some of the things at the wedding are going to be for the bride and groom - and what’s wrong with that??? It’s the one day in your entire life that is MEANT to be about just you and the person you’re marrying - HELLO. But since you want to personally attack, please don’t make the assumption that I was selfish about my wedding - each invitation had the guests names on them so THEY could feel special, my cake had EVERY guest’s name on it (a way of acknowledging EACH guest), their favors were pashminas with THEIR monogram on it (as well as a clothes tag that said thank you from Erica and XXXXX attached)—I took EVERY chance possible to make sure that my guests new that this was ALSO for THEM and I TOTALLY APPRECIATED their being there. Flaunting money? I didn’t mention a dollar in my previous post - it seems like the one caught up with the money (or lack there of) is you. Something doesn’t have to be expensive to be nice - but clearly your perception is that it does. Some things did cost a lot - is having some money something to be ashamed of???, but a lot of the things were done by me (like the invitations), just as the thank you’s will be. I could easily have paid someone to do the invitations and thank you’s, but contrary to your terribly judgmental attitude, I like taking the personal time. The fact that money was not given to charity in relation to the wedding does not mean that we don’t donate to charities at other times or do other missionary work - once again, close minded. I feel bad for you if you had third cousins at your wedding who you’re not close enough to that they WOULD want pictures of you on your wedding day. I have pictures of all of my close friends’/family’s weddings in my house (amongst other pictures). I like seeing my friends and family happy on one of the most important days of their lives and I hope they feel the same about me. Also, 99% of the thank you’s I’ve seen sent have the bride and grooms picture in it - so it seems like most brides ‘love’ themselves - the negative love you implied, not the positive one… lol. You need to relax.
Erica and Monica I don’t mean to sound rude but it sounds like both of you WAY have to much time on your hands. Let’s pray your offices don’t track your internet use. I never knew invitations and thank you letters could generate such heated discussion.
Hmmm… I am in agreement with Monica, although I may not have worded it so bluntly. My family is one that appreciates a hand written thank you note. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy or expensive, just a simple note expressing your thanks for the gift, how it will be used, and your appreciation for their attendance at your special day. I guess to each their own. Erica, maybe a way for you to do both could be to have a blank page in your booklets for you to write your personal thank you note… I think that would be a great way to please (for lack of better word) the younger guests who think your books are pretty cool, and the older guests who like an old fashioned hand written thank you.
Back to the main purpose of this post, I think the thank you notes (whatever they may be) should be sent 1-2 months after the wedding. Erica, if yours will take longer thank that to print, maybe you can send a little thank you right away and make note that a video and pictures are on their way soon. I got one in the mail (3 weeks after the wedding… that couple is on top of things!) that had a little sticker in their note that said something like please stay tuned to the following website for wedding pictures. I thought that was nice.
Thank you Ashley - I appreciate your suggestion - it’s a very good idea. I hadn’t considered sending a separate card before the actual thank you (that would cut down on the time elapsed). I could’ve sent them to a printer and had them mass produced, but I wanted to make sure each was specific to the recipient and do plan on including personal notes - even if I hadn’t considered it, my Mother wouldn’t have it any other way :-). Three weeks is fabulous! It’s very cool that they had the time, and were organized enough to get them out so quickly - the quicker the better.
Ok,so I am sending my thank you’s two months after…once our wedding was over, things did get a bit crazy and I too hoped to get them out sooner. My husband and I wrote a thoughtful letter describing our day and thanking everyone for their friendship and acknowleding the effort of many to make it all happen. At the bottom of the letter, I wrote a little personal note to the each guest. Is this okay?
I also made a boo boo and had written out thank you notes for the small shower I had just a month before that ended up lost in the chaos of wedding plans..i was mortified..so I acknowledged those gifts as well when we thanked people for their wedding gifts.. I know this was probabaly not right, but i wanted to send the ackknowledgement..is this terrible? I don’t know what other way to handle it..
thoughts?
WOW!!!
It had not dawned on me just how much this “wedding” stuff gets women all in a “tizzy”. I’m almost hesitant about posting a comment in an effort to remain out of the crossfire… :) I happen to be going through photos on my computer and cam across a photo taken days prior to attending the wedding of a friend. I began cruising my memories at that time and realized that I had not received a Thank You. The wedding was in May 2007 and a destination wedding at that! Now that I think about it, I designed the place cards for each guest individually for her reception tables!!
Please know, that although I was glad to be able to utilize my creative abilities/talents to help a friend, but I don’t think that sending some form of acknowledgement to your friends by way of a THANK YOU note is asking for too much. ... but then again…maybe we’re not considered FRIENDS ...? Hmmm? There’s a thought.
I must say, this is a very difficult one. I got married 5 weeks ago this coming Saturday & we went on honeymoon for two weeks afterwards. I am waiting for my photographer to get back from her 3 week holiday (bad timing)so I can get hold of the photo I want to have printed on the front of my cards - as she was away when we arrived home, and only send me a “view” link of the photos. I am panicking to high heaven that mine are going out too late. I will have them out within 7 weeks - hopefully 6 weeks, and I am concerned about that being too late. I would consider any more than two months, is potentially a little rude. We had some very generous gifts, and I want to thank our guests personally for coming from so far around the world to our wedding.
Hannah, I think you will be ok. My advice? Start writing drafts of your notes now—that’s the hard part. Then when you get the cards you can just copy them out quickly.
Hi, I’d like to get an opinion on thank you notes…
We were married in July, and got thank you notes sent out for our wedding gifts very promptly - within 2 weeks of our return from the honeymoon.
There were a handful of guests who did not bring or send a gift. Some of them had to travel rather far - so I am just happy that they attended, so I am *NOT* complaining at all.
My intention is to send this set of folks a heartfelt thank you for taking the time and effort to travel and share in our day with us. However, I know our friends well - some of whom are big procrastinators and whom I believe probably will send a gift “within a year” of the wedding. In fact, we just received 2 this week…
So my question - how long do I wait before sending “thank you for coming” notes?
Or, do I just get them out, then send a follow-up thank you note if they send a gift later??
Sidebar, when we returned from our honeymoon, we had about 12 boxes sitting in our hallway (in Manhattan!) so it wouldn’t surprise me if some walked away before we got home.
I would be mortified if someone sent us something that we never received, and then didn’t get a thank you from us… So I’m just trying to figure out the best way to handle everything.
Thanks in advance for your opinions!
Hi Carla, Firstly, I’m impressed that you are being so conscientious, wishing to thank guests both for their effort AND their gift. I’m sure your friends and relatives know you are a sincere person who genuinely appreciates them. At my wedding, I had a couple of sticky gift situations. For one, a friend’s gift had been shipped from Macy’s, a bathroom wastebasket. It was cute, but rather an odd gift on it’s own. Nevertheless, I thanked her very specifically for her “cute white wicker wastebasket that will go perfectly in our powder room.” She called to ask if I didn’t also receive the matching wicker hamper? No, I didn’t, she investigated, Macy’s admitted the mistake and sent it on. We both had a good laugh over it. So if I were you, and you want to thank you traveling guests for taking the time and trougble and expense to share in your day, do it. From the sound of things, no one would think a person as sweet as you would fail to mention the actual gift you received, if it was indeed received. That would prompt,them to ask—“didn’t you receive the toaster oven?” At the same time, I would spread the word amongst friends and family whose gifts you did receive about the dicey delivery situation where you fear lost gifts. That way someone who didn’t get a specific gift thank you would ask.
For those that are procrastinating on their gifting, the “thank you for coming” note will jog them into action without seeming mercenary on your part.
The other strange gifting situation I had just goes to show that there’s no substitute for good breeding. My then-fiance and I attended the lavish wedding of a regular client. We went out of our way to select an appropriate (and pricey) gift. A year went by. We never got a thank you note. The gift was indeed delivered to their kitchen, with our card inside the box. My husband refused my suggestion to ask, “So how are you enjoying that premium set of Henckel’s cooking knives? Arent they handy for your barbecues?” Since my husband still did work for this very very wealthy couple, we invited them to our wedding. Again, a year went by, no gift. Another year…and finally the client acknowledged something like, “Gee, I guess the year passed and we never did get you a wedding gift…” 6 months later their check to us for services rendered bounced!
Remember Jolene’s Rule: Whatever you do, if you mean well, are respectful and courteous to your guests, you can’t go wrong. If someone does get huffy, then it’s their problem not yours!
Jolene,
I appreciate your input on my question, thanks. It’s just funny how sticky some of these gift giving situations can become, as you’ve mentioned.
I just found out this weekend that my sister never received her thank you note (it was one of the first ones out!) and that made me nervous for other notes I sent, as I dropped them in the mail box in batches of 20-30 or so. Ugh. (Incidentally, we had 4 people that said they never got the invitations, and we resent those. Where does all this lost mail go????)
But you’re right on with “Jolene’s rule”—and also, I think most people see the intentions of others pretty clearly, so if you are sincere people know it :)
Take care & thanks again for your post,
C
Thanks for your thanks, Carla!
As to where the missing mail goes: I’m sure it’s all with the missing socks from the laundry!
jrh
I sent most of my thank yous within 2 months of the wedding, but towards the end of the job (haha) my husband asked me if he could help. I took him up on his offer! I handed him a stack of blank cards and the page with all the gifts from his buddies and asked him to write personal notes to them. I brought the notes up periodically, but then I let it drop. At LEAST 6 months later, I found that blank stack of notes stashed away in a drawer. I felt so bad I dropped everything, wrote them out and made a mad dash for the mailbox.
In the end I blamed myself: my husband is not the kind of man to patiently sit and write out thank you notes for even a few hours. And make them legible? That’s another story.
If you want it done right, do it yourself!